How to Write a DBT Self-Validation Letter

Self-Validation is important when you have felt invalidated by others. Examples of invalidation may include when someone:

• Does not believe you

• Tells you “it’s not that serious”

• Laughs at you (not with you)

• Forgets about you/Rejects you

• Argues with you ALL THE TIME, no matter what you say

Sometimes, well-meaning people can be invalidating simply because we are all human. As humans, we have limitations in our ability to fully understand and relate to others. This is where self-validation comes in.

Validation is the skill of recognizing and acknowledging that something is worthy of consideration and attention. It goes a step beyond saying, “I understand what you mean, but I don’t agree.” Validation ushers in a sense of belonging, in spite of the most challenging differences. Validation can help people navigate “hot button” issues without escalating arguments or putting an end to important relationships.

So, how can we self-validate? One of my favorite ways to introduce Self-Validation as a skill is to use a DBT Self-Validation Letter. It’s simple! Here is the format:

Dear (Self),

It makes sense that you feel… because…

Love,

(Self)

Obviously, you would want to fill in the missing pieces of the letter for it to have a full effect, but that is basically the nuts and bolts of it. You can also replace the word “feel” with other verbs like “felt/think/thought/said/did/want/care about” etc. The letter can be as long or short as you would like, and I would recommend only sharing the letter with those you consider to be emotionally safe spaces for you (such as your therapist, or a mentor). Otherwise, you don’t have to share the letter with anyone for it to be effective. By completing a self-validation letter, you should be able to experience the impact of validation without anyone else’s input, which is truly a wonderful skill to have.